LONG SINCERE POST-VERY TRAGIC
Hi everyone, this is J.T. (Seamus) from Chasca. I’m afraid I have terrible news. I died last night. Yeah-I ate a surfeit of lampreys (the king killer) and keeled over about an hour later while I was watching my favorite porno, “The Sperminator.” It was wretched. I just wanted everyone to know so that you didn’t start to worry. The good news is that my spirit, for whatever reason, still exists here on Facebook. The bad news is that my spirit still exists here on Facebook. I guess we have an answer to the question, “does Hell exist?” I didn’t think I was such a bad guy. Oh well, I suppose I could have been kinder to the meek and a gentler lover to the passed out. What a gyp, man. Anyway, for you Chasca fans-fear not. The band-my band (those treacherous toadstools) have already found a replacement for me. He’s related to the guy that replaced Paul McCartney in The Beatles after he died so he should be pretty spot on. I understand he bears an uncanny resemblance to me in every way, right down to my terrible attitude towards Junior and aversion to condoms. So there’s that. The Chasca show at House of Rock with Peelander-Z will definitely be happening this Thursday as will the one at The Blackheart with Adrian Conner this Saturday. I will miss seeing you all but shall check in with you via FB from time to time. So far this afterlife thing is looking pretty dopey which means I’ll probably be venting quite a bit about existence on this side of the veil. I think Al Capp and Abbie Hoffman are around here somewhere…ugh, too much posturing for my taste. Alright, please be good and do the right things and eat your spiritual vegetables. You don’t want to end up like this-trust me. Oh, regarding my mortal remains: As a Superstentialist I believe that it is important that my body be cremated and the entire contents (and I do mean ENTIRE-did you know that the amount of ashes left by a human body is immense? Seriously, like, it could fill a whole garbage bag) be scattered all over Gwenyth Paltrow. Otherwise my soul won’t be at peace. And we don’t want that. I applied to be one of those cool ghosts that haunts bridges or women’s public toilets but the response I got back was, ‘FAT CHANCE.’ I always wanted to be a SPOOKY entity…looks like we’ll all have to settle for bitchy.